The Puddle
by worldtravellingfly
Summary: Summary: Why Puddles (TM) are life-threatening. Warning: never consume mushrooms before attempting to use magic. Alt. Summary: "How did you even meet the poor child?" An expression of dawning realization mixed with horror crosses what little is visible of the grey guy's face, between his nose and beard. "You didn't abduct her, did you?" There's a beat of awkward silence.
1. Chapter 1

No copyright infringement intended.

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Summary: Why Puddles (TM) are life-threatening.

Warning: never consume mushrooms before attempting to use magic.

Alt. Summary:

"How did you even meet the poor child?" An expression of dawning realization mixed with horror crosses what little is visible of the grey guy's face, between his nose and beard. "You didn't abduct her, did you?"

There's a beat of awkward silence.

"Maybe. Just a little bit? It was an accident!"

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Warnings: Self Insert, general irreverence, Radagast, mention of drug consumption,

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-1-

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Okay, to preface the following events you should probably be aware of at least three things.

First of all, never, under any circumstances, _ever_ do magic when under the Influence. Just. _Don't_. It never ends well for _innocent_ , poor, unsuspecting people.

Secondly, avoid stepping into any puddles at any cost. Cross the street, jump over them, fly if you have to. Never ever touch even seemingly harmless puddles.

So, watch where you're going.

Thirdly, a life without running, never mind _warm_ , water, actual toilets, deodorant, supermarkets, and sane people _sucks_.

All of the above combined leads us to this exchange:

"How did you even meet the poor child?" An expression of dawning realization mixed with horror crosses what little is visible of the grey guy's face, between his impressive nose and beard. "You didn't abduct him, did you?"

There's a beat of awkward silence.

"Maybe," Radagast hedges – or Uncle, these days, to the Poor Child – "Just a little bit? It was an accident!"

The hairy little men exchange looks to which the child in question is utterly sympathetic.

She was just like that when she met Radagast the first time, although she couldn't understand a word he'd said back then. (Perhaps for the better…)

It's a bit like having an embarrassing parent, but ten times worse, because you have to bring them to the cool kid's slumber party and your crush is watching.

Not that she's crushing on any of the little, hairy men.

For one, they are a bit _too_ hairy for her taste. And stinking of sweat to high heaven, but one hardly notices these things after living in the middle of a forest with only Radagast as humanoid company.

Their general _style_ is a bit of an acquired taste as well, although she probably shouldn't throw metaphorical stones at anyone, considering her own clothes are homemade and Radagast's spares.

He's not exactly Stella McCartney, to say the least.

Her attention is recaptured by the exchange between the two old men when they suddenly switch languages.

"Are you taking them to Lord Elrond?"

"Yes."

"I'll hold the Wargs off if you'd take Lily along. We were on our way to the Hidden Valley to seek some counsel."

The grey guy blinks and then nods. "That's fair. I'll take care of her."

Radagast motions for her to get off the sled and join the group of little, hairy men.

Before she is out of his reach, he squeezes her shoulder, a small smile playing on his face.

"Take care."

"Not the one trying to distract a horde of flesh-eating fuck ups."

"No. Just traveling with your Uncle Gandalf and a company of Dwarrow."

The face of the gray guy is a _picture_.

"Uncle Gandalf, eh?" He mutters into his beard.

Then the time for chit chat is over.

Lily hunkers down behind the boulders with the rest of the traveling group and sends a short prayer at whoever will listen to keep her only familiar person save throughout this harebrained scheme.

She should have prayed for herself, but more on that later...


	2. Chapter 2

No copyright infringement intended.

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Warnings for this chapter: Nudity

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-2-

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When the dwarves figure out where they're going, they almost mutiny.

Which is not to say they did not grumble before or afterward, but it intensified. A lot.

Only some quick talking from "Uncle" Gandalf keeps that aforementioned rebellion at bay. For the moment.

Lily isn't sure it's completely off the table yet.

Either way, she tries to not listen too closely to their complaints. Their surroundings are much more interesting after all.

Waterfalls, a hidden valley, and beautiful architecture?

Count her in!

Anything other than a bloody fucking forest out to kill her would have had her heart beating faster, but this is a million times better. Almost like a realistic postcard painted of some sort of Disney castle.

The view only improves as they arrive at the foot of a long-ass staircase.

There are a few statues of warriors standing around, looking way too pretty to be real, but the living, breathing Adonis walking towards them isn't all that bad either.

"Mithrandir," Adonis greets Grey Guy, eyes warm.

Really must like good old Gandy then, Lily figures.

Meanwhile, she admires his fashion sense. Plum is a rather bold choice, especially for men. Never mind the length of those artistically tailored robes.

She tugs at her homespun cast offs and wonders what she'd have to do to get the name of his seamstress.

Lily would do anything for some clothes that were made to fit her. Or supportive underwear. (Her bra had given up on life a few eternities ago, sadly enough.)

And wrapping her chest in rags in the hopes it would keep the girls from bouncing around isn't exactly ideal.

Sighing wistfully at the thought of online shops, she tunes back into the conversation at the sound of a horn being blown. Horse hooves grow louder in the distance, which could be a good or bad thing.

Judging by the huddle of short, hairy men, they seem to think it was a bad thing.

Gandalf, on the other hand, remains pretty chill.

For Gandalf, anyway.

Laila twitches a bit, and Lily put a calming hand on her head, settling her back down.

Then a veritable stampede occurs. Right there.

A parade's worth of horses, beautiful horses, races into the courtyard or whatever it was supposed to be, and circles the short men.

Actual fucking banners flutter around her, held by the most aesthetically pleasing humanoid creatures Lily has ever seen. No, really.

Eat your heart out, supermodels of the world.

Gandy greets the boss beauty and they exclude the short hairy men by chattering in that language from earlier.

Lily lets her eyes feast on the newcomers, ignoring anything that doesn't really concern her.

Radagast seems to have survived, so she's good for the moment.

Some food, not prepared by herself because she'd learned the hard way _never_ to let Radagast cook anything more complicated than water if she'd ever wanted to eat anything ever again, and a nice bath would be great too, but hey, she'd take what she could get.

Eventually, the eyes of Boss Beauty turn to her, as the group of angry shorties is escorted somewhere.

Plum Adonis is leading the way and seems to be praying under his breath.

Probably for patience.

Lily feels his pain.

"Mithrandir?"

"Lord Elrond," BB has a name after all, imagine that, "this is Radagast's," Gandy hesitates.

Lily raises an eyebrow, trying to resist the urge to grin.

"I'm his adopted child, isn't that right, _Uncle_ Gandalf?"

Cue all the astonished blinks.

"Well, we bid you welcome here. Please allow Limdur to escort you to your accommodations for your stay here."

"Thank you for your hospitality, despite all of us showing up unannounced with those, er, ugly cannibals in hot pursuit. It's appreciated."

Elrond's eyes might be twinkling with mirth.

Then again, might be a trick of the light.

Lily turns and follows Limdur - poor guy, his name sounded like he could be a mainstream cheese brand - up the never ending stairs.

As if she'd needed more exercise today.

Limdur obviously had no clue what to do with her awesomeness and just led her to a room without speaking a single word.

Lily would have been impressed, but she was too busy staring at everything they passed.

Her artistically inclined self is practically in heaven.

The immaculate craftsmanship in even the smallest details, the way every room was open and planned to allow the massive building to feel like the middle of nature while not actually being in the middle of a forest —

This is like a live-in art gallery.

That cultured part of her, which had wilted over however long she's been in that forest without any connection to anything outside of it, is perking up.

Lily catches herself almost skipping down the corridors behind Limdur.

Eventually, they stop in front of a simply carved door. Which is to say, it isn't overly decorated, but beautiful enough to almost ache.

Limdur waves her inside.

There's a bed. An actual fucking bed.

Imladris just rose to her favorite place on this entire plane of existence.

The view out of the arched windows shows trees and a waterfall and Lily's happy enough to dance a jig. (She restrains herself though.)

"Would you like a bath?"

It speaks!

And would she like a bath?

HELL YES!

Again, reminding herself to play it cool, Lily nods.

They leave behind her new room, and Laila who curled up on the pillow, traveling the most beautiful maze to ever exist, and end up passing another courtyard. (How many did one house need?)

The angry shorties have evidently decided to be free.

Free of convention, that is.

They're frolicking naked in the fountain.

Lily gets a lot more than an eyeful and is never the same afterwards.

"I would rather not join them. Bit too..." She tries to think up a word to express her thoughts without becoming offensive.

Limdur shakes off his own trance, and nods quietly, understanding.

They move on, thank the stars.

She's shown an underground grotto, fed by a natural hot spring. While utterly stunning, as everything else in this building, it seems some wires have been crossed.

Or not, as the case may be.

Because, hey, she's got nothing against nudity and communal baths - living with an old mad wizard in a murderous forest cures one of such notions as modesty rather quickly - she thought that might not apply to others.

New people, new customs and all that rot.

Which is to say, she certainly appreciates all the other Adonises bathing in the large pond, but she's missing the particular equipment everyone else is sporting.

Penises seem to be something even these people couldn't make pretty.

They were just weird, even if the rest of you looked hot.

Meanwhile, Limdur has stripped down to his underwear - loin cloths knotted in a seemingly easy, but probably super complicated fashion - and is about to lose those as well.

Awkward doesn't even cover it.

Sighing, because this is actual hot water and when is she gonna get the chance again? Lily begins to take off her own clothes.

Limdur blinks - once - and then shows her the clean up station.

A bit like Japanese onsen, you're apparently supposed to wash off first.

He hands her some soap and demonstrates how to wash hair.

Like in a L'Oréal commercial.

Lily bites her lip to keep from laughing. Because. _This_ is her life now.

Bathing with a bunch of naked dudes hot enough to scorch the sun.

Maybe she should thank Radagast the next time she sees him.

Accidentally kidnapping her could be 100% forgiven in the face of _this_.


End file.
